My tough independent question is...
White House Briefing - February 14, 2005
The following transcript of a recent White House "Press" briefing comes to our attention:
Spokesman: Good morning. A lot of admin stuff this morning. Copies of the President's schedule will be distributed this afternoon. Copies of the vice president's itinerary are on the table in the back. Various bogus news stories and fake news briefings will be available on the web for those on our payroll, just change the names as you see fit. It's all make-believe but please make it look good. W-2s are in the mail, scribes (Laughter). Now, questions? Bill?
Reporter: yes, Bill Jones here, a.k.a. Tom True, a.k.a. Rev. Wholey Rowler. My tough independent question is, Do you think that the President is even more handsome today than he was a week or ago? And, really, is there any end to how dashing and gallant he can be? Whatta hunk.
Spokesman: Thank you, that's a good point. The president strives to meet all his challenges with equanimity. He's a War President after all. And, Bill, your 1099 form is misplaced and accounting can't pay you without it. Can you work on that? Sarah?
Reporter: Sarah Fistooch or Melanie WangerBanger or Lynne Shiny of liberalsarescumandshouldbekilled.com here. How does the President get through day being soooooo right all the time and having to work with all those subhuman Democrats and those lying cheating bums, sex perverts and drug addicts?
Spokesman: Now, don't be so tough on Rush and Bill O'R. (Laughter) Seriously, Sarah, the War President understands this is a diverse world we live in full of both good people and the Spawn of Satan who are the Democrats as you so independently have written in your web page and its ancillary BushForBucks.com. Follow-up, Sarah?
Reporter: Sort of. Why do I have to pay taxes on my White House bribes and boodle in the District of Columbia when I live in Virginia? No child left behind. It is very annoying to get all these checks no child left behind and then see them whittled down by my having to actually pay taxes. No child left behind. I am quite rich, you know, I thought I didn't have to pay taxes.
Spokesman: Thanks, Sarah. We'll look into that. It is not this administration's policy that a rich person should ever pay taxes. That's what the poor are for. Hank?
Reporter: Aye. And Pharaoh said unto Joseph, In my dream, behold, I stood upon the bank of the river: And, behold, there came up out of the river seven kine, fatfleshed and well favoured; and they fed in a meadow: And, behold, seven other kine came up after them, poor and very ill favoured and leanfleshed, such as I never saw in all the land of Egypt for badness: And the lean and the ill favoured kine did eat up the first seven fat kine: And when they had eaten them up, it could not be known that they had eaten them; but they were still ill favoured, as at the beginning. So I awoke. And I saw in my dream, and, behold, seven ears came up in one stalk, full and good: And, behold, seven ears, withered, thin, and blasted with the east wind, sprung up after them: And the thin ears devoured the seven good ears: and I told this unto the magicians; but there was none that could declare it to me. How long will our Mighty President, May His name Be Glory, Wonderful, have to endure the blasphemous and sinful sight of yon perverts Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck in their debauchery and poisonous relationship??? It is ye olde virtue for the President to lay a warm, wet kiss on Joe Lieberman but thunder & brimstone be on these cartoons!!!
Spokesman: The War President does not believe his kissing of Senator Lieberman, D-Iraq, conflicts too much with his opposition to same-sex sex. Incidentally, Reverend, we all love your new web pages, www.hornymaleministers.com and www.thelambshallliedownwiththelion(wink-wink).com. The checks in the mail. Next.
Reporter: Joe from Faux News Channel. Does this brilliant President ($1,000, please) plan to use -- having a little trouble reading this, you guys might get bigger type on these "questions" you give us to ask (Laughter) -- his great manly wisdom ($2,500, more) to respond to outcry from the heart of honest good clean America over the Weapons of Mass Destruction in the bankrupt, busted Social Security building ($3,000), the biological weapons and nuclear program there? ($7,500) Bleat bleat bleat.
Spokesman: Tough questions as always, Joe. (Laughter) The War President knows that the Social Security program is a hotbed of liberal al-Qaeda terrorists wanting to kill our babies in their cribs, as you would have asked if you had turned over the card and read them ALL, Joe. We'll be invading this outpost of tyranny soon. Next? Who's that back there. Haven't called on you for so long I've forgotten your name.
Reporter: Smith from the AP. Speaking of Iraq, the war has been going on for .... (Question drowned out by cries from the rent-a-reporter corps of "Commie," "Pinko rat," "Why don't you go back to your lover Saddam?," "Blue state wimp!" and the reporter from a legitimate newspaper was beaten and escorted from the building by the Secret Service) Spokesman: I don't know what's happening to the neighborhood, here, when we actually get press people in the press briefing. That'll be it for today. You're the best media corps money can buy. (Applause.)
Copyright 2005, Hartford Courant